A MOTHER'S LOVE LETTER TO HER LOST SON

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November 18, 2014

INTRODUCTION
written by Paul Joseph C.

It was 3pm on Passover day in the year 33 AD.
That dark afternoon witnessed the brutal suffering and death of a special Man on a cross.
That innocent Man's birth was the very reason for that year to be numbered as 33.
And that skull's mountaintop, perforated by the cross, became the very place where the perfect Redemptive Work triumphed in suspension between this world's dust and the Heaven's Glories.
In the presence of a most sorrowful Mother, and just before dying for the sins of the men and women of all generations, Jesus Christ uttered the following words: Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?
The question asked by the agonizing Son of Man was quoted from King David's first verse of Psalm 22, which in its entirety it reads as follows:

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me, and why are You so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not answer; and in the night season, and am not silent. (Psalm 22:1)

That question continues to be asked by millions of suffering people each day and yet, only God is able to listen to all these broken hearts. But, because of God's generosity, one heart has decided to open its wound and share its cross with us at the beat of its words. This heart belongs to Louise, the mother of a 22 year old man whose first juvenile detention began 22 hours away from her home.
She, too, cried in the daytime and in the night season of her past years. Since he was 14 years old, the mother had told her troubled son that he needed to get his life together by the time he was 22. She chose such number because God Worked His Own miracles in the 22nd year of her life on earth. Now that Keanu just turned 22 in September 2014, a miracle has already taken place in the form of an unexpected prayer chain created to help the mother and her son. Christ Already Lived this man's life from the pain of being nailed onto death in front of His Mother. His question "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" is echoing both in Louise and in her son, as each is walking a painful path up Mount Calvary. At age 33, Our Lord screamed to His Father above the words of Psalm 22 for all those who, just like our 22 year old Keanu, feel the solitude of a long exile during a cold winter away from home. But soon, the cool breeze over that mountain shall bring the renewed hope of a change for the young man: the name Keanu, indeed, means just that – "Cool Breeze Over The Mountains".

"MY DEAR BOY": A Love Letter From A Woman To A Son Who Found Comfort In A New Mother Called Heroin

written by L.C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What can I say? “I love my little Ke – ar- nu, I do, I do, I do! I love my little Ke – ar – nu, I do – I do – I do! ”

Hey, do you remember me singing that song to you? It didn’t matter where we were, you were so tiny, I would just sing it over and over. My little baby, so adorable! I think about what it was like for you and I back then. How we started. As luck had it, I was able to build a house for us on a nice little bit of acreage in the country. Remember the ducks on the dam? You would chase them so you could see them fly off.
Then, you and I created a lovely garden. Of course you weren’t too interested at first, but oh, when those flowers started blooming, I couldn’t keep you away – so much so, that often you would pick the first ones to give to me so I could put them in water. Some days I wish you would do that again.

Those days are treasures for me Keanu. I need to think back to when you were just a little tot, to make sense out of the life we have both lived. Because some days mate, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense at all.
Your love for vegetables – do you remember where that started? I tried to find you one day. I was frantic. I searched high and low, under the beds, in the cupboards. My heart was missing beats, my mouth was dry. But little Keanu was fine all along eh! There you were, sitting peacefully under the banana trees eating as many cherry tomatoes as you could before I found you! 

These are the memories I hold so dear. 

I ask myself what went wrong sometimes. I try to figure out what changed. I know some of the details of course, because I was there and I know they were not things that should have happened. But they did.
When you believed our life was just going to be you and I, always together, not needing to worry about anything, just living on our little block of dirt and playing hide and seek or pulling the cat’s tail. That is how you wanted life to remain forever. Sometimes I think, I wonder if it would have been any better.

There was a man who decided he wanted a life with me who wasn’t sure how to include a little child in the mix. He seemed genuine and he truly tried hard to get to know this little boy who loved his Mum so much. So much so, that conversations would often be interrupted with a little voice saying ‘Mummy I’m hungry, Mummy can I have a bath?”. Sometimes I would get so snappy because I just really needed adult company just to help break out of the ‘mother’ role. Perhaps that is when things changed for you and I. 

But change it did and both of us needed to accept that change and keep moving forward – a little too much to ask a child of 15 months of age. 

I used to get asked, "How old is he Louise? ". When I would tell them you just turned one, or you that just turned one and a half, their jaws dropped. They would listen intently to you speak. All your words well commanded. All your sentence structures as though you had already lived 20 years! Your voice so deep from all the screaming you used to do to get my attention. But I liked your voice!

So it went, our lives evolving. The man became your Dad when you were 4 and how proud I was when you were our Page boy! All dressed in a very handsome outfit and all eyes were on you with your little pillow coming up the aisle! 

That day, do you remember what you asked me? You asked “Mummy, I suppose I will have to live with another family now that you are married?” – My heart broke! What on earth made you ask me that? Why did you think I wouldn’t want you anymore? To this day, I still don’t know why you asked me. 

We had to move to another state to support Daddy’s work. This was hard for both you and I. We always loved our little house and our ducks. But this is what needed to happen. It was a hard change, one that I didn’t want to make either. Many tears flowed – many! It was a sacrifice that I wasn’t sure was worth it as the months turned into years! I know you wanted to go back home…and so did I. But as the 10 years unfolded, much happened that were sad and hard events to go through. Many fights, many bitter arguments. Not with you to begin with, but certainly about you most often. Dad found it hard to cope, then I found it hard to cope. I would take my anger out on you. Your inability to find a way to get good attention from me was beginning to bust that lovely little bubble you and I lived in.

Slowly but surely, I changed in most of everything. I needed help for something I had no idea about – my emotional and mental state. Can you possibly understand any of why I got so brutal? Why did my problems with Dad become the catalyst to you being unable to cope? What on earth was going on in my head to allow you to bear the brunt of all that transpired? You were just a little boy, as mature as you were, knowing everything as you did, it just didn’t give me the knowledge that you were not the problem.

If I could do it all over, Keanu, I would. I would have found more places to help me understand your dominant nature, your fear of change, your aggression towards children. I would have learned the skills. I would have found out my post natal depression was the reason I couldn’t see straight myself. I would have found peace another way. I probably would have found faith much sooner. 

But onward we climbed up that never-ending mountain. I’ll never forget one night coming to say goodnight to you in your room, when I found you asleep with all this blood around your face, on your pillow. Goodness! I woke you to ask what happened. Being the intelligent boy you were, you said "Mummy, I need to buy a skateboard! So, because the tooth fairy gives lots of money for a tooth – I pulled out 6 of ‘em! ". No way! You handed me all your teeth to give to the tooth fairy! This cannot be happening!

As Dad and I tried to work things through and a little brother came into our family unit, it seemed that you felt you were really left behind. Why couldn’t I see all this? You were my little star! You were the help I needed to overcome shyness properly. You broke the ice every time! 

Bringing in a new baby made it more difficult for you to feel loved. We tried to help you feel that a little brother was a playmate, a friend. He really wanted a big brother that is for sure. Though too much had already happened for you to accept him. Your love for me seemed to wane too. Behaviors changed over and over. So now I guess you remember that we sent you to Nana’s for a few weeks. Please don’t feel it was ever because we didn’t love you Keanu. I just wanted you to be happy. I knew you liked being with them and playing on the farm. Being an eight-year-old you could learn lots of things about tractors and cattle. I really thought you would turn a corner and I would have the breathing space to get things into perspective. 

The letters I sent you – you never replied. The phone calls I made – you were always away or asleep. It took those weeks to figure out something. I got a letter from Nana. She told me that a few weeks wasn’t enough. They loved having you there and you were enjoying yourself, so she suggested a term of school. She organized you to go across the road to the little country school. Do you think I liked that idea? Did you really think that I didn’t want you back home with your family? Those notions didn’t come from me sweetheart. Nana was trying to have you live with them permanently and she told me she would involve the courts to do it. You ended up staying for over half a year. I waited for your replies. Nothing. One time I flew up from Victoria to see you as a surprise – do you remember? Nana saw me at the door and said you didn’t want to see me. I heard the school bell ring, so I ran across the road to see you. She came after me telling me not to. What? So much was going through my head. I saw you, finally! How tall you’d gotten. But your little face looked so unexcited. You practically walked past me straight to Nana. Somebody may as well have hit me with a truck!

It didn’t take long to understand that she turned you against me. I asked you when she wasn’t around, why you didn’t write back to me or speak with me on the phone?  Do you remember me asking? I was devastated when you said you didn’t know I wrote letters to you and you never got told I rang to speak with you! Here we were in the middle of something much bigger than us!

I flew back home and told the family. Dad didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. We didn’t want to fight Nana and Pa because of what that would do to you. So I prayed Keanu. I prayed and I prayed. What else could I do than to turn it all over to God? 

Another few months went by and I got a phone call. It was your father. He told me he has gotten a ticket for you to fly back to us the next morning. He was going to take you to Brisbane Airport to get you on that plane. I thought "What? Why now and in such a rush?". He told me Pa was going off the deep end, and when Pa and Mark had a fight in the shed where you were playing on the pool table, Pa got his shotgun and fired it off. It missed Mark but only just missed you! It hit the door next to your head! I felt sick! I felt faint! This was my little boy! How could this happen?

I was so glad to have you back. For a time we got along famously. All the pain went away. But then you began to pine for your father. Dad wasn’t good enough and nothing he did made anything better. We would take you and your brother to places for those lovely family days, but you would be so angry and sad. 

Well, that really started a life of self harm and self sabotage. It escalated at school, at home. Many times being called up to the Principal’s office. But I really don’t want to dwell on this stuff. Your life meant so much to me through all of it. I just wish I could have started all over again. Even back then! 

We moved back to Queensland. This was a celebration. Even though it took me and your two brothers 12 months to reunite with you and Dad because of the time it took to sell the house in Victoria. Still, the wait was worth it. How big you’d grown! The lady at Church told me how you would arrive on your bicycle to Church each Sunday! I was so proud! They all said what a wonderful son I had! Yes I did!

You would invite yourself to the priest to be his Altar server! Just like the old days eh! You know how good you were at it. Remember they asked you to teach the other children?

So it seemed this was going just so well. We put you into the local high school for the first year. This only lasted a few months. Again being called up to the office. This was really difficult Keanu. We hoped to give you a good start. We moved a couple of times in the town because of the rental situation and the house we ended up in would change your life forever, even though you didn’t mind it. Just up the road was the friendship you found and it was unknown to us what was happening there until the Police decided to let us know. Did we ever envisage that this would be the absolute turning point for your life and your lifestyle? Well if we did, perhaps that is our ignorance, but we would not have rented there! Never!

So the drugs became part of your life. It became part of ours whether we wanted them to or not.

You were just under 14 years of age and the days were so hard for all of us. Your personality just snapped. We watched you from being someone who loved to do weekend work for neighbors to watching you sit around, yell, do these tantrums. How hard it was for all your family. Yet you wouldn’t admit the problem. So in the middle of the night, you would go out again. And again!

Dad and I decided that we needed to get you out of the situation, so we sent you to Boarding school an hour and a half away where you could get a good education and meet new friends. Some of it was good, some of it wasn’t. But this lasted for two years and we were reasonably happy. One friend in particular, Hamish, would become very important to you…..oh if only we had seen what was to eventuate!

My dear boy. 

Then after you left the school, you returned to us to see if you could give the high school another go. But no, this was not going to work out. Your old habits returned. We just wanted to see you make a go of home, but there was no way we could compete with the drug taking. Too many visits by Police.
So your life of crime began. Stealing cars, drug busts, stealing money from your friend’s family home. I was at the end of my rope. Dad wrote you off at that time after you broke his nose headbutting him in the bedroom when all he wanted was to help you. We were so different to you Keanu. This is not what our family stood for. I asked myself why so many times. I wondered what God’s Plan was for you in all this.

Juvenile detention began 22-hour drive from us. Months of it. But your phone calls were so sweet! I looked forward to hearing from you. I still have your letters. I treasure them.
Then, one night, you rang home and eventually I told you something that hurt you so deeply, but that you needed to hear from me.
"Darling, Hamish your best mate in Boarding school and in your Rugby team, died in a car crash. I'm so sorry. Seven boys died in that car! Sweetheart, they were all your classmates. Hamish was in the boot of the car because they were short on room.”

"Mum, this is a joke! Shit! Why tell me this! What do you want to do – kill me?”, you said. Both of us started crying so hard! I just wanted to hold you mate! I didn’t know how else to tell you. I’m so sorry. Then you paused and said "Mum if I had stayed there, I wouldn’t be here. I’d have been in that boot with Hamish…you know I would have. If they got him in that boot, I would have been right next to him. Mum, I would have died too!”.

Oh God in Heaven – why? That sweet boy was no longer able to go fishing with his best mate.
I know I told you how much I hated tattoos, Keanu, and asked for you never to get one. But truly son, I totally understand why you have Hamish’s name on your leg with a cross above it. It is honor! You will remember him and he is with you each day. I totally get that. This makes me proud of you!

I thought that might turn you around somewhat, but over time things got more out of control. By now, at 22, you have known prison and more chemical drugs. I had no idea it got that bad. Really, the days from then to now are scattered: one phone call listening to my son who is altered, then another phone call in which he was so loving and sweet. I didn’t know from one time to the next who I was speaking with.

So the pain you feel which you don’t know what to do with, becomes a night high with whatever drug you can afford and with whomever is willing to sell it to you. This is your reality, Keanu. This has become my reality! I am the mother of a drug addict. Was this ever on my radar when I gave birth to you? Do you believe I ask myself over and over again why certain choices and decisions were made and whether they ended badly or not? If only I had the skills. If only I could turn back time.

Now we come to this week. This is the conversation a mother should never have with her child.
“Why do you feel so aggrieved with your life and yourself, that you took an overdose of heroin in Melbourne ending up in Emergency? I just don’t understand this! Couldn’t problems be worked out another way? Why did you feel that the only way was to numb out?! Didn’t you know you were stronger than this? I need to understand Keanu.  Just help me understand. Too much emotion is running through me. My son was about to die through what? Stupidity? Malice? Revenge? Hatred? Suicide? Make me understand this!"

You were my little boy, my precious little boy! I love you so much it hurts; and then, beyond what I can endure, it hurts to hear that dreaded phone call:
"Is this Keanu's mother? I’m sorry to tell you…….”. No! This just isn’t right! How was I going to get through this? I asked as much information as I could while you were sedated through combatant behavior and hallucination. I just wanted so much to hear your voice. Then finally after a day, I did. Was it what needed to be said? Did you need so much to defend your drugs? Why did you want to lie to me again, telling me you didn’t have any drugs?! After a while, I think you realized I wouldn’t back off until you acknowledged to me the truth of what happened…and you did. But now you entered a whole new realm for me – which I wasn’t ready for. Do you remember what you told me? Something along the lines of "Mum, I needed heroin to make me strong enough to fight the demons in Lucas’ house”. What? What has your life become? Oh, please God help my son! Help him NOW! I tried to get my head around your state of mind. I tried to think of that little boy who as naughty as he could get, wanted to please his Mum, to bring her flowers. What am I hearing now? Is this my little Keanu? Oh God…bring him back to me!

I was so far away, I couldn’t get to you. My back was so bad, I couldn’t board a plane. So the family stuck it out, waiting for a phone call. It came, but it was not what we hoped for. "Mrs. Campbell, your son discharged himself; he still has a very high fever from an infection still undiagnosed. He was offered a psych assessment but refused, and felt the need to abscond". So you ran away. Where to? You told me already that all your belongings were stolen at the ‘lab’. No phone to contact us. Could you not understand how worried I was? And that I just needed to know you were ok? I always found you before, but now I was helpless.

This was stinging me from the inside out! 

Finally we heard from you. Your voice was cold yet when I asked if you would spend a few days with us, you said “I would really love that Mum”. So I thought it would all be okay. I was nervous but excited to see you all the same. Your brother drove us up in his car. Just him and I. I thought you might like just some one-on-one time with me, really. When you finally approached me in the car park late at night, I saw you but there was no smile, no hug. I reached out to hug you and thankfully you gave what felt very cold, but a hug nevertheless. I told you that I love you, that I thought I might lose you, and I was scared. You gave me a strange expression. Immediately I felt that you really weren’t happy to see me at all. Why did you want to come home? 

You said it was to get the guitar of your brothers, but this was after you told me that I must know who my enemy is while you pointed to yourself saying it. I looked at you puzzled. Then you looked me up and down and said "Mum, the demons are all around you, in you". What? Is this really happening? Am I hearing this right? We got into the car and you sat in the back, even though I offered the front because of your long legs. So home we went. 

Then, literally, Hell broke loose. The real reason you needed to come home and what you were planning. This just couldn’t be happening. Your brother, although a new driver, was doing 110 kilometers around bends because of the stress he was under. The goading he was getting, hearing you curse your mother, telling him to be a man and stand up to me. While he told you that he loves his mother and respects her and ‘you should try it some time’. That was one long drive. All the while the anger in you was raging and I felt the whole way that at any moment a knife would slit my throat, after all your words were to ‘finish me off’. Where is my little boy! My little Duke! Help us Lord help us! 

Once we arrived home it didn’t get much better did it! Then, literally, Hell broke loose: the real reason you needed to come home and what you were planning. This just couldn’t be happening. The heroin was wearing off and the hatred was being targeted at me more and more. Your words graphically detailed how I would die! My son actually wants to kill me. Blaming all his choices on what I did, who I was, his childhood – all of it! No more loving thoughts but just vengeful bitterness. Those times you told me how much you loved me, how much you appreciated me for the man you became, knowing right from wrong – all gone. All replaced with violence and so much hatred. Satan has entered our home through my little boy! 

The hours were a nightmare for all of us, Keanu. We were never able to handle this. Who could? I had never been in anyone’s company who had been overdosed on such a drug. What were we to do? Dad was so proud of me handling everything with love – actually I was astounded at how this even happened. I was so scared. Usually when that fear hits me, I go into a flat panic, but somehow through the Grace of God, I still understood that my little boy was hurting. It was just the man I saw before me that frightened me. I knew what you were capable of, I read the police reports. So here we were, your brothers going bush outside the house and frightened to death. Your sister asleep in her bed and not even realizing you had been in the house – God was Good to aid her into deep sleep. 

When I got the chance, yes Keanu, I rang the police. I told them I felt the threat of death coming. They arrived. I didn’t know how ugly things might become, but I rang, rightly or wrongly. I didn’t think you would leave me alone, so I just needed that security. Dad had no idea I did this. So please understand why I did it. I was very surprised when you said you wanted a shower. Not one second went by before I worded to Dad "Get Sophie, I’m taking her and Daniel in the car to get away, we’ll keep in touch by mobile phone". Daniel had arrived back after looking for Matt with no success. Matt went far into the bush with just a shirt and shorts. This was a dark night on so many levels. 

It was good to get away but how my heart felt heavy for Dad, he must have thought we deserted him. I prayed for his protection – so many prayers, so many tears. Your sister vomited in the car from stress and panic. So here we were in a hidden location hoping to feel Jesus’ Presence amidst the turmoil – this was our time for suffering! Back home I got to understand what was evolving through Matt’s calls. This was such a Blessing. What were you doing to Dad? There was no yelling, no strife. The police arrived and waited to listen from outside without alerting you or Dad. They could only hear a polite conversation. They knocked and Dad answered. They asked if you had threatened your Mum in any way to which you replied "No, I wouldn’t do that. I love my mother". They asked Dad if he wanted them to take you with them. "No, leave him here, we’re alright". Dad feared for his life. He knew about the knife. He didn’t want to upset you. Matt told me the police left, so I waited for Dad to call. The home number on my phone appeared – "Home"! Dad was calling! Then I heard a voice the sound of Jack Nicholson "I’m still home Mum". I hung up! I cried! I panted! Daniel screamed. Sophie quietly sucking back her silent cry. 

How was this going to resolve. Then, later, I heard from Dad saying that he needed the keys to Matt’s car – NOW! Oh God, please don’t let Keanu hurt him! Dad sounded panicked. I rang Matt and told him to get his keys up to the house somehow, without Keanu seeing. He did this. He texted Dad to tell him where he put the keys. What was going to happen now? What was going through your mind? It was so hard. The hours were so long. I prayed more and more – more than I ever have. I prayed that God will forgive you because those damn drugs were doing this to you!

Oh Keanu, I love you so much even through all this! I had the most beautiful memory, a fleeting moment going over and over in my head – while you were in the kitchen only a couple of hours before, your face although angry and venomous, changed to what can only be described as God’s Face! You shone so brightly. I saw a beautiful face! This was my Keanu! My love! I knew that moment that God still had you in His Hands. Tears returning now but such joyful ones Duke!

Now it was Dad’s nightmare driving the car up to the train station 45 minutes away. At least you agreed to leave the house and hopefully forget about what you were planning for me. The police visit at least got you thinking about diffusing the situation rather than fueling it. But was it going to be like that? Matt texted me that he left two knives in his glove compartment and again, I just prayed so hard that you wouldn’t find them. My heart was beating so hard. Is this what could happen to Dad? Will you dump him and turn around to get me if I returned home knowing that you were out of the house? Imagine my thoughts. This is not my son doing this. It couldn’t be! 

So yet more hours went by. The children and I panicking that we hadn’t heard from you. Matt still in the bush too afraid to go back to the house and abiding by my instructions to maintain safety. Was this what you wanted your siblings to be involved in, to see you as? Didn’t you think this through? And who it would affect? 

Keanu: for the love of God, why? 

Finally and thankfully at 4.45 in the morning Dad rang! Oh how glorious! He told me of how he dropped you off at the train station, though it was shut, and that he gave you some money to get going. He told me how he kept you calm and speaking about job prospects just to keep you from becoming angry. He said how you need to let go and get on with life; how not to harbor the pain and hurt, but to just show Mum that you could do good. As much as that didn’t sound very supportive of me, I understood the strain he was under and that he was protecting of me as well. I really don’t mind coming off looking like a problem that just needs no thought whatsoever. I just want you to be happy. I want you to do what I’ve told you so often – "whatever you touch turns to gold". Do you remember me saying this to you so many times? What about when you took up the guitar and taught yourself to play like Jose Feliciano? How did you do this? That is sheer talent, son! 

So, our family became reunited again but short of one member. This isn’t what I wanted for our family. It isn’t what God wants for our family. I don’t know where you are or how you are feeling. I chose not to dwell on any fear of you returning to finish the ‘business’. God needs me to be strong and faithful. I will continue to pray for you night and day. Many hundreds of people are doing just the same – for you!
Sweet child, one day the darkness will lift from you and you will see the Light of Christ all around you – this I know in my heart! I wish you all the best, all the care, all the love and all those flowers that I know my baby would hand me if he could.
I love you, my darling boy! Keanu, your name means more to me now than it ever did – ‘Cool breeze over the mountains’.  That cool breeze will return, those mountains will feel your whisper across them. We will wait and we will overcome!
God Bless you child.

My love for you eternally!

Your Mum

FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE LOVE LETTER "MY DEAR BOY" ~
written by Paul Joseph C.

Thank you, L. And thank You, Lord, for honoring her with a cross she has now vulnerably and generously shown to us by choosing to fly above and beyond all possible concerns related to others' judgments and personal opinions.

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